Brace yourselves, everyone, because Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow. That means the holiday season is officially upon us. GAAAH!! Time to make spicy cider, decorate the house, buy festive clothing . . . oh yeah, and schedule an appointment to bedazzle your vagina. That’s right, ladies. This week I’m talking luxury. It’s time to get vajazzled.
In the “old” days, sparkles used to be confined to blouses, handbags, jeans, shoes, but what about your poor neglected lady parts? No longer relegated to being hidden away like a shameful secret, nowadays you can make your coochie shine like new car chrome. And it’s oh-so-simple. First, if you’re still sporting a landing strip, get rid of it. Get rid of it now! Head over to the spa and have every last bit of hair waxed and plucked until you’re newborn-smooth. Then you can enjoy the fun part. The vajazzling artist adheres shiny little crystals in the design of your choice all over your hairless hoohoo and presto-chango, you’re now vajazzled, your newly adorned crotch as sparkly as a firecracker.
I’ll be the first to admit, I haven’t been vajazzled nor do I know any woman who’s got crystals on her clam. So in the absence of information, questions come to mind. First of all, how long do the little crystals stay put? Do they fall off by themselves or do you need a second appointment to get them plucked off? Is said plucking painful? But perhaps even more importantly – and likely because, as an erotic romance writer, I write a lot of sex scenes – does a vajazzled vajay-jay add vavoom in the bedroom?
Let’s set the scene. Your hero and heroine are frisky and decide to get down to business in the boudoir. They kiss, they touch, and off come the clothes. But if they’re doing the horizontal mambo in the missionary position, facing each other, wouldn’t his manly thrusts pound against her pubic bone and therefore send her crystals flying? Or alternately, if they stay intact, would there be painful rubbing for both participants? Seems like the hero would suffer almost a rugburn-like effect if his weight rests atop hers as he moves. All I can think is ouch! Also, what if you want your hero to head south and delight his gal with some oral pleasure. Let’s say he’s kissing her bejeweled hoohoo and one of those crystals comes loose. And maybe it goes in his mouth and he starts coughing, and gasping, and accidentally chokes on the damn thing. That’s what I call a major buzz-kill.
Despite all that, I can see a vajazzled coochie being sexy. Some unexpected sparkle as the panties slide down. Yet practical matters abound! The hair re-growth, for example, as little stubbles start peeking up through the jeweled adornment like weeds poking through cracks in the sidewalk. If those crystals are still hanging on, being surrounded by stubble would more than ruin the intended enticing effect.
The good news is, if you’re still not sold on adding a glitterly sparkle to your crotch, there are other options for indulging in vaginal vanity. How about getting a vajacial – a facial for your vagina. Or go all out for vaginoplasty to tighten things up down there. Nothing wrong with giving a little love to your little love box. It’ll make you both happy happy.
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